idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
