I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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