Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
This baby is an asshole
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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