I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
This is classic penis vs brain.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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