I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
