i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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