I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
