I am in a vortex of obligation.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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