come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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