Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
