Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
