There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We need a shit load of segways right now
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
