I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
