No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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