I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
