Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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