she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
