i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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