a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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