after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
