i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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