i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
