Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
