im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
