If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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