There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
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he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
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I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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