So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
