Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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