There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
