I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
