gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
