im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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