I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
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and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
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I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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