woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
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two words...techno handjob
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
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Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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