Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
