im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
