How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
