I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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