Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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