its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
