I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
