i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
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Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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