Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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