i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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