worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
