sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
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