A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
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I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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