my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
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Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
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I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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