i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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