Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
COCAINE IS GR8
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
