You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
