Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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