I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
