I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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