Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
