Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
