Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
