I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
