I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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