You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
