I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
